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Your January Horoscope

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): It may feel as if you are treading water, but like Christ on the sea of Galilee, you will rise above the tumult of the rapids and make your way to Peter.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): Don’t take your teacher’s advice about the utility of the complete set of the Harry Potter series. Rowling deserves more respect.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): They say not to take your sign literally, but no Pisces has ever tried to only eat fish food, so how do we know that it isn’t helpful?

Aries (March 21 - April 29): I will leave you with the wise words of April Ludgate to guide you through this month. “Time is money. Money is power. Power is pizza. Pizza is knowledge.”

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): You can only use the “treat yo self” excuse so many times before you reach a rapid declination of impulse control and logical reasoning.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Everyone who made those “two-faced” jokes about you will regret it when you actually sprout another head.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22): It is a great month to bond with others of your sign. While you’re at it, you can also give a brief synopsis of The Fault in Our Stars.

Leo (July 23 - August 22): You are a young Adonis of your generation. Unfortunately, at this point, no one realizes it, and you are written off as another Hephaestus.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): Your lucky number this month is five. Your lucky color is purple. Your lucky movie? St. Elmo’s Fire. I don’t speak Chinese, so here’s lettuce in Spanish: lechuga.

Libra (September 23 - October 22): Life is a highway, but does the road work ahead? You sure hope it does.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): Millions of Americans suffer from identity theft every year. Pray you won’t be one of them this January.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): The fake pregnancy prank is not nearly as funny as you think it is, especially if you’re a guy. Just don’t do it.