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Your February Horoscope

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): Deadlines in mirror are closer than they appear; don’t let them tailgate you.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): Your near future looks blurry and gray. Either expect thick fog in your area during the next couple of weeks or assume I have no idea what I’m talking about.

Aries (March 21 - April 29): The stars asked me to pass on a message from them. They say that it’s not you, it’s them.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): I don’t even know how to explain the unspeakable horrors I saw in your future, so just don’t. Don’t.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): The stars promise some kind of spiritual awakening, but you’ll be surprised that promise could mean being faced by your own mortality after a close encounter with one really angry redneck.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22): A fire of creativity will spark inside you, but you must be careful about setting it free lest those flames burn down your house.

Leo (July 23 - August 22): You will find yourself wondering if the dichotomy between happiness and sadness is real after an emotional experience leaves you feeling both emotions simultaneously.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): Love is creeping around the corner like a lizard on the side of your house, but in an attempt to capture it, you will only squash it with your large human hands. You must wait for the lizard to come to you.

Libra (September 23 - October 22): When you feel your heart flutter, the good news the stars promised will have arrived. That or you have an underlying medical condition causing heart palpitations.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): Knowledge is a vast sea, and you will find yourself drowning in it when your teacher decides to preach life lessons rather than actually teach the material.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): You will encounter the mother of all coincidences this month, which coincidentally will be something to do with your mother.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): They say it is always darkest before dawn, but has that been scientifically proven? You might want to pull an all-nighter to find out.