When a Turtle Has Issues
On October 24, the following (mildly edited) was posted in the newspaper staff's group chat. Please continue for entertainment.
I just saw this video about a baby turtle, and Tristen said it has issues, and I said we should make an animal-size Forge sweatshirt. Then I thought, why not make every Blazer pet a Forge sweatshirt and sell the animal-size sweatshirts to students with a human-size Forge sweatshirt? Then we could have a pet pageant during spirit week. People will invite their friends who, in turn, will buy animal-size Forge sweatshirts for their pets so, when their friends come over, they will see the animal-size Forge sweatshirts and, since the students bought extra sweatshirts, they can sell them to their friends, which means that we will have more site views, which means corporate companies will see our stuff and want to sponsor the newspaper, which means we can go into print and feature people who will clip out parts of the newspaper and put them in a scrapbook that they will show their grandchildren.
Then their grandchildren will look up our site and see the animal-size Forge sweatshirts and ask their parents to buy some for their animals. Then, when the mom sees them, she will post pictures on her super popular social media accounts which will reach her friends who will buy them for their pets from Amazon, Walmart, and so on, which will make those companies happy and then they will sponsor the newspaper. By this time, at least 16 years will have passed, so the newspaper can post a popularity list ranking the Class of 2019. This will cause some people lower on the list to die of grief, which will prompt a funeral to which we will (naturally) wear our sweatshirts. This will cause the other guests at this funeral to buy sweatshirts out of nostalgia, which will create a ripple effect and therefore continue the cycle...