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Your March Horoscopes

For the past few months, the Forces That Are and your Emissary of The Cosmos have not been on speaking terms. It was a silly argument that they themselves started and wouldn't let go, but they got over it, begrudgingly, just in time for March. You'd think a couple of millennia might have conjured a bit of maturity... Any-who, Marching on with this piece (get it?), below you can find your horoscope for the month of March!

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20): The Sky says quit talking so much. They don't mean it to be rude, but you're not listening! You can easily hear while you talk, but there's a macrocosm of auditory delights beyond what passes through your ear canals without any further consequence as you blabber on. Focus on the sound around you, you just might like it more than that which you make.

Aries (Mar. 21- Apr. 19): Heavens above, slow down! Your thoughts race, your car speeds, your feet hastily clomp down corridors, slow down! Please! Nothing's going anywhere! The Earth is sensitive, all your vibrations are freaking them out, and they don't get any more of their medication until April.

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20): This month I finally heard back from Pluto. Their communique was addressed to The Signs of Taurus and reads thusly: "That turkey, that hsm [sic], whatever you eat to celebrate, it probably had bigger dreams than being on your plate. Be sure to give thanks not only to those around you, but to those who will soon be nourishing your body, as well. Happy Thanksgiving, -Pluto" Yeah, sorry, postal service to the outer rim is awful slow, and Pluto doesn't trust phones. I believe they meant "ham" instead of that typo; I expect a clarifying addendum to the letter in a week or three. In any event, that's still good advice! You should always pay respect to the lives that sustain yours.

Gemini (May 21 - Jun. 22): Go for that new style! Hair, clothes, whatever! The Forces That Are won't be surprised until you manage to find something that doesn't look good on you. A bit of a personal interjection, how about green hair? No one ever does it, I think it's cool, and The Forces say it'll look cool, so why not?

Cancer (Jun. 21 - Jul. 22): Liar. The Sky hears every untruth that passes through our teeth, and most slip by, but they wanted to ask you: "Seriously?" A liar can have no haven; they would even begin to deceive themselves. Make an effort of being transparent. No matter what reason you're lying for, it probably isn't worth it, unless you would literally die from telling the truth, which The Sky and I seriously doubt is the case. And if you have any outstanding lies? Come clean. The person you lied to may be upset, but they have a right to know you've wronged them. It's what you'd like from anyone else, yes?

Leo (Jul. 23 - Aug. 23): Watch what you eat! The Stars see you consuming seemingly inconsequential finger foods, only for disaster to strike! I asked if it would be food poisoning, or allergies, or maybe undercooked meat, and they simply replied "The greater machinations of this realm are not ours to reveal," which is just the way a bunch of twinkly ramblers say "we aren't sure."

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sep. 22): The Earth impressed me with their conviction during my divinations, they say they'll make sure you don't trip at all this month! If you do, then The Earth wasn't talking about you. Or they just don't like you.

Libra (Sep. 23 - Oct. 22): The Stars know you aren't as prepared as you could be. When was the last time you checked your smoke and carbon monoxide detectors? How should you move to an exit in the event of a house fire? What room in your home is the best place to be during a tornado? Do you know the phone number of poison control? Do you even have it written down somewhere? Do you remember how to do CPR, or the Heimlich Maneuver? Can you apply a tourniquet? Do you even know what a tourniquet is? It's easy to think emergencies are for news headlines and television dramas, but they happen every day! The only defense against an unknown offensive is preparation for all possibilities! There may come a day when you are the only thing that stands to protect your own life or the lives of others, so be ready for it! It could be any day now, or then, or ever!

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21): Be more considerate. It can be easy to forget others, especially in such hectic times we're all subject to. Maybe you should leave the last slice of pizza for someone else, or you should stop and let another car make that turn they've been stuck waiting for, but whatever the application, it's fulfilling to let others have an easier time, and takes but a few seconds of your own time. The Stars would offer fortune for those with a helpful attitude, so consider it (heh).

Sagittarius (Nov. 22- Dec. 21): The Moon hopes you do things that make you happy. They wonder, what makes you happy, does it make others happy, too?

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19): Guilt weighs upon you. It ought to, that's what it's for. The Sky hears your sins. They do hear everything, after all. They offered to tell me what you did, but I refused. It's not any of my business, but if you've wronged someone, it is their business. Apologize. For real. None of that "sorry if I made you mad," put your heart in it, because that's where it better be. You aren't a bad person, but leaving a problem you caused without closure is a bad thing to do.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18): Time is precious and time is fleeting, but you're taking it far too seriously. It sounds odd to take the spending of one's existence too seriously, but you are. You're always gonna be right where you have to be. You aren't doing anything wrong, you aren't missing out. In fact, the only mistake you have is letting your time slip past while you scramble towards the future. What happens when you get there? Worry over the next future? Be where you are more. Don't neglect your duties, and never neglect yourself and your dreams, but really. The future needs some time to get ready anyway, they still can't find their going-out hat. It's all okay. We promise, The Cosmos and I.