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Your November Horoscope

It speaks! All of it, it speaks! The Earth, the Sky, the Stars! They speak! They speak to us all, guiding our fates and soothsaying our demise. Hm? What's that? You... haven't heard them? Well, maybe I'm the only one that's listening. But fear not, aurally impaired reader! I, their Emissary of The Cosmos, will relay their message to you! Find your astrological sign, the watchful eye which you were produced beneath, and see what the forces of our realm predict for you in this coming month!

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21): Sleep on the opposite side than you usually do at least once this month. The Stars believe it will subvert ruin.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22- Dec. 21): All the forces of our realm think that you're up to no good, but since they can't really prove it, they say "keep up the allegedly good work." Do your best not to prove them right!

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19): Look into your own eyes in the mirror. The Stars worry you've forgotten what they really look like, and they recommend you to be aware of your finer details.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18): The Earth weathers your heavy steps. Get some rest so you quit dragging your feet, or just quit stomping. Whichever it is.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20): Quit staring into the Sun, it's bad for your eyes. This does apply to everyone, but The Stars know that you've been doing it lately. The Sun is a star after all, and word spreads fast in the cosmos.

Aries (Mar. 21- Apr. 19): The Sky has heard your sorrow. I'm sorry you're having a rough go of things, The Sky thinks it would do you good to tell them what upsets you. They won't have anything to say back, but they know it's nice to let it out. They don't mind yelling, if you need to.

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20): All of the forces of our realm want to remind you to bundle up! They've seen you suffer cold weather without appropriate clothing before, and they don't want to see you catch a cold!

Gemini (May 21 - Jun. 22): The Stars want you to be mindful of your... lettuce? I'm pretty sure I heard them right, it just sounds odd. Be watchful for wilted greens, they can cause indigestion or potentially beset you with bacterial infections. Do your research and stay safe!

Cancer (Jun. 21 - Jul. 22): The Earth feels the tremors of your emotional turbulence. Try to relax a little. Loosen up your jaw, lay back and take some breaths. You're kind of freaking The Earth out, so chill.

Leo (Jul. 23 - Aug. 23): Look at your feet more when you walk. The Earth says you'll find something.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sep. 22): The Sky wants you to keep a better posture. Straighten your back, quit slouching, shoulders back, all of that. The Sky would recommend a chiropractor, but they can't be sure since they've never been to one. (They don't have a spine, you see).

Libra (Sep. 23 - Oct. 22): The Stars urge you to be mindful of your spending habits! Hold out for something to go on sale, or shop around before making a purchasing decision. They know you'll miss out with hasty decision!